It is only after you leave the sanctuary of a health resort that the challenge to stay clean, green and teetotal really begins, says one writer who sympathises with the model’s recent fall from grace
Kate Moss and I have little in common (apart from cheek bones to die for, almond-shaped eyes and a waiflike physique, that is), and the übermodel and multi-millionairess is not someone I’d ever expect to have much sympathy for. But this week, once I’d got over the shock that she flew easyJet (you can take the girl out of Croydon …), I’ve been feeling rather sorry for her. Tabloid headlines such as ”Kate Mess’’ and ”Moss’s mile-high meltdown’’ have seemed an overreaction to say the least.
As the whole world now knows, Kate allegedly got intoxicated and aggressive on a flight back from Turkey, where she had been celebrating her friend Sadie Frost’s 50th birthday at a favourite detox retreat in Bodrum. (That was another shock: the former queens of the notoriously raunchy Primrose Hill set celebrating a birthday by detoxing?)
There have been numerous explanations proffered: the food trolley ran out of sandwiches; she was refused alcohol; she was quaffing the Duty Free vodka in her hand luggage; fellow passengers were taking unflattering pictures of her on their phones. It has also been suggested that Moss simply fell foul of a crew overexcited at the presence of the world’s best known cover girl. Indeed, others on-board the flight said the ”fracas’’ was all very good-humoured. Whatever: the result was that Moss was escorted off the plane by police when it landed in Luton last Sunday and a tsunami of hyperbolic articles followed. Moss is clearly incapable of staying on the health wagon, carped the critics: as soon as she leaves an expensive detox retreat she can’t help but hit the bottle. Or “retox” as afficionados call it. As someone who has recently retoxed, in an equally undignified fashion, I have a particular understanding of the phenomenon.
Kate Moss in party mode at Jonathan Ross’s bash in 2014 [REX FEATURES]
For me it all started with a failed dry January. I’d overindulged at Christmas, both on brandy and turkey, and was looking festively plump as I entered the New Year. Dry January would be the perfect way to shift the pounds. Things were going swimmingly until a friend invited me to Morocco – a ‘dry’ country – for the weekend. One Piña Colada and the next thing I knew, we were two bottles of red down and on our way to being roaringly drunk.
It got worse over the following months and I was increasingly out of control. I drank most nights. A stressful Monday, and it wouldn’t be uncommon for me to polish off a bottle of Chapel Down Bacchus Reserve (excellent, by the way). A stressful Tuesday would result in the same story. And Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday. And Sunday, too, as I contemplated the stressful week ahead.
Crisis point was reached in mid-April. My mother sat me down and voiced her concerns. I cried, but agreed and we decided that we should go to a detox camp together to get ‘summer body ready’. After a bit of Googling, we settled on the Ti Sana resort near Lake Como in Italy, opting for the Healtheatarian GOLD 10-day course, a €3,999 (£2,922) extravaganza that was designed to “Boost your energy levels and positive thinking with an inspiring mix of healthy food, treatments and exercise”.
Like Moss’s stay at The LifeCo retreat in Bodrum, our detox menu featured juicing diets and multiple massage therapies, as well as optional daily exercise classes including yoga, walks and meditation. And like Moss, I imagine, by the end of our 10-day stay (three days juicing, seven on a strictly vegan diet), we felt like new women. I had lost 10 1/2lbs, 10cms around my hips, 7cms around my waist, and 3cms around my thighs. My mother seemed to have shrunk all over. We were calm and cleansed, with bodies that, henceforth, would be treated like temples. We were absolutely confident about embarking upon a new healthy life. Nothing would get in our way.
A fellow detoxer at Ti Sana, and a veteran of spas all over the world, told me that every single time she vows to turn over a new leaf – but can never resist that welcome glass of champagne in First Class on the way home. Another detox alumni, who spent a week deep-cleansing body and soul at a resort in Spain, had equally good intentions. “It was a fantastic week. We had sugar-free/fat-free/salt-free/gluten-free vegetarian food, plus lots of exercise. We had tutorials on how to keep up the good work. But once we got to Malaga airport, our flight was delayed and, well, we all just headed straight to the bar.”
I actually made it back from Milan to London without any problem. We had vegan snacks for the journey and my mother and I kept each other off the booze, inspired by frequent trips to the lavatory to check on our svelte, bloat-free profiles in the mirror. No, my spectacular fall from grace happened three weeks later – three weeks when I’d lived an exemplary clean and green and alcohol-free life – at a friend’s wedding. I was sure one iced strawberry daiquiri wouldn’t hurt. One probably wouldn’t have. Five, however, did. By the time we sat down to the delicious wedding supper, I was feeling pretty merry. By the speeches, I was properly drunk. And by midnight, after several Sambuca shots and spending a good hour trying to snog the bride’s brother, I had passed out underneath the gift table. #Classy. However, from this mortifying experience, the hangover from hell and all those euros spent on the detox, I have learnt my lesson.
So here are my top five tips for retoxing without getting arrested. Kate, listen up.
- Following your detox retreat, get to the airport late. Check in and head straight for the departure gate. No Duty Free or bars/cafés. Sleep – or pretend to – during the flight so nothing bad will pass your lips.
- Take a (flattering) picture of the new, reinvigorated you and stick it on the fridge/all mirrors. Make it the screen saver on your phone for good measure.
- Tell anyone who will listen about the joys of detox and how marvellous you feel. This will put pressure on you to live up to it.
- Write down all the compliments you receive about your weight loss, glowing skin and general fabulousness and read them to yourself every night.
- Promise yourself that, in public at least, you will not deviate from healthy conduct. If you really need to retox, do it in private.